We live in a culture that is uncomfortable when we see people cry, but it’s okay to cry.
“Jesus wept” John 11:35
Why is it okay to cry?
I know it’s okay to cry because Jesus cried. Jesus cried because his friend Lazarus had died and Jesus wept over him.
“Truly, truly I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy.” John 16:20
The other reason I know it’s okay to cry is because Jesus comforted people who cried.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15
And the Bible talks about crying for a time, but not forever. It repeatedly says that weeping and crying will change and joy will eventually return.
“I taught, Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” Luke 6:21
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
Crying is natural
Babies cry because they lack the words to tell us they need something. It’s definitely okay for babies to cry because they have to let us know somehow that they need our help.
And as adults, we cry because words aren’t enough to express our sorrow, sometimes.
As a grieving child, I tried not to cry about losing my mother because it made adults very uncomfortable. Honestly, is there anything sadder than a child who has lost their mother? That pain never goes away.
I used to try to make my children stop crying when they were little because it upset me. Yes, I tried to find the cause of the tears and yes, I comforted them, but I wanted the tears to stop.
I once searched for information on tears when writing my book, “Jar of Tears: Moms aren’t supposed to die”, and I learned a lot about tears. Most importantly, I learned from Psalm 56:8 that God considers our tears so valuable, that He keeps them as one who collects things which are valuable and precious.
Tears are interesting and complex
I learned that tears of grief have a different and unique chemical composition than tears of sadness or tears of cutting onions. They are unique. See a now-deleted post from Reddit below.
I also learned that tears of sadness contain many things, but particularly: prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, leucine enkephalin (natural painkiller), as well as potassium and manganese. This stress hormone, (adrenocorticotrophic) and leucine enkephalin (natural painkiller) in our tears tells me that God has created our body in wonderful ways that our natural tears help relax us and kill some pain, when released. They say it’s why a good cry can truly relax you.
https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/why-you-need-potassium-and-how-get-more-it
So, why should we encourage children to cry in their grief?
We can start by not holding in our tears when we have them- they’re helpful. They were created to help us relax and to reduce our pain.
If we’re grieving and we cry, I think it’s wise to explain to children why we’re crying and that it’s okay to cry. When our children experience grief, they will remember seeing their trusted adult crying and they will know it’s okay for them to cry, too.
Encouraging children to cry if they feel sad and explaining that their body may need to cry to feel a little bit better, may also be helpful.
As my dear friend (who was also a therapist) told me, “it’s okay to cry and you must be comfortable staying in the sadness until the sadness leaves us- and it will eventually leave us.” (Ingrid Lanting)
I think this is another case where biology, psychology and the Bible all connect and agree. It’s good for us to cry when we’re grieving because it’s Biblical, and healthy. It won’t last forever, but it’s helpful to us for so many reasons. Training our children not to stifle their tears is just good mental health.
Notes:
https://www.aao.org/eye-health/tips-prevention/all-about-emotional-tears#:~:text=What’s%20Inside%20Your%20Tears?,more%20we%20are%20still%20learning.
https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/why-you-need-potassium-and-how-get-more-it
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