This is an open letter from a ‘motherless daughter’* to Mothers everywhere. I lost my sweet mom too soon, and so much of my future died with her. I have some tips for mothers to ensure their children grieve better than I did.

We teach our children how to walk, talk and feed themselves. Later we teach them how to make friends and work hard. But we don’t teach them how to get through life without us.

1. I urge you to have photos taken of yourself. Allow family members to take pictures of you when you’re dressed up and when you’re doing housework. Let your family take pictures of you at your best and at your worst. In time, it will be the only way your grieving family will see your face.

My mother didn’t have many photos taken of herself. Instead, she took photos of us. And now, oh how I wish I had more pictures of her to look at. I really wish I had a picture of her and I hugging each other so I had proof I showed her love and not just behaved like a little brat all the time!

I have one of her in her housecoat on Christmas morning without her hair done or make up on. She looks beautiful. Each time I see that photo, it warms my heart as I see my own face in hers. If she were too vain to have a photo like that taken, I would not be able to see her natural beauty. And because I think I resemble the most wonderful woman in the world, my mom, I feel confident in the way I look. She is my standard of beauty.

2. Write letters to your children about what you wish for their future.

My mother died very young and without much notice. Every word that I remember her saying to me stays in my heart. She wanted my sister and I to attend university, and told us each time she drove past it. I wish had more direction from her, especially when I hit the teen and adult years.

3. Leave a letter which tells us more about family heirlooms.

I have many beautiful items in my home that I inherited from my mom. They are old, that’s all I know. She told me these items were old and I knew they were valuable to her since they lived in the china hutch that we were not allowed to open. I wish now that she had left a little note to tell me where she got these pieces or who gave them to her. So now, I research them the best I can and tell my children they are old and belonged to their grandmother. I wish I knew more about certain pieces of jewelry and other pieces of china. In addition, leave a note to let us know that it’s okay if we part with some items. Hanging on to things simply because they belonged to our mothers brings guilt if we consider getting rid of them for practical reasons.

4. Leave us a list of your favourites and how you’d like to be remembered.

I know this sounds morbid, but hear me out. If my mother had left me a note with all her favourite songs, movies, book, food and treats, I could refer to those items on days that I need to feel closer to her. This would come in handy on those sad anniversary days or days that the cloud of grief is very heavy in my heart.

5. Leave me some advice on how to live without you.

Again, this sounds morbid, but when I had my first child, it made me miss my mother even more. I wish I knew how she did everything and if she had any tips for being a new mother. I was blessed that my mother-in-love gave me so much hands-on help during those first hard days with a newborn. But nothing, and no one, can replace your own mom. I wish my mom had left me notes or advice about how she took care of newborns. Perhaps I would have rejected some of the advice, or I could have accepted it, but at least I would have an appreciation for how she did things.

6. Let your children see you grieve

My mother lost her dad at a very young age. She had his black and white photo in the kitchen where she could see him everyday. And I was blessed to see my mother mourn the loss of a neighbour with tears. It gave me permission to cry in the face of death. That was her style of grief, and everyone has a different way. But giving your child permission to grieve openly is a true gift.

So mothers, I know you’re busy. I’m a mother too. Life is uncertain and we’re never guaranteed tomorrow. I may not have time later, but I’ve done some of this now. I know I’m important in my children’s lives and they will one day grieve for me. I hope it’s a very long time away, but losing my mother so young taught me that terrible things can happen and every little bit of my mother left behind comforts me still.

 

*(The term, ‘Motherless Daughters’ is from a fabulous book by Hope Edelman. It was instrumental in helping me during my grief. It helps to know you’re not the only one who feels grief a certain way.) https://www.hopeedelman.com/motherless-daughters-1