Christmas is fast approaching. It feels like I just put away my tree and now I’m taking it out to decorate again.

I had a friend at church ask for advice on how to support a grieving boy at Christmastime. Since my mother died just days before Christmas, it’s a tricky time for me.

Remember, we don’t get over grief. We carry it with us everyday, even in joyful times like Christmas.

Here are 9 ideas to support a grieving child at Christmastime:

1. Say their name.
It’s the most painful thing when you know people are avoiding saying the name of the person who died. We think of them ALL THE TIME and would love to hear you remember them or acknowledge them when I am missing them most. Holidays really do shine the spotlight on those who used to fill it with their presence. Find ways to insert the deceased’s name into conversation.

2. Carry on traditions or make new ones.
My mother made Christmas magical for us, as kids. (What mother doesn’t!) From the After Eight chocolates, to special tree decorations and her endless Christmas baking, it was a special time of year. Ice-skating and hot chocolate. Christmas shows and craft fares. Decorating the tree and baking cookies. So many things come to mind when I think of the way my mother made Christmas special for us. Although I can’t create her magic, I can try to make my own. Whether your child is grieving a parent or peer, ask them how they’d like to include their loved one at Christmas. They may have ideas! (Example: Annual Billy’s Ice Skating Day!)

3. Pick out a special ornament or help the child pick one out.
One year I found a pair of angel wings to decorate my tree. While our loved ones do not turn into angels, the wings remind me to keep my mind on heavenly things and all the loved ones waiting for me there. Find a thoughtful tree decoration or gift to remind the child that their loved one is waiting for them. You can find beautiful frames to fill with the loved one’s picture to hang on the tree, too. You can always help the child make one, as well.

4. Focus on what matters.
Christmas is filled with joyful things, but also stressful things. Many years ago, I found that focusing on Jesus and his miracle birth helped refocus my mind on the most important thing: Jesus. If you can help refocus a child’s attention on why Jesus matters to them, it can refocus their perspective. There are many churches that host fun events that honour God during Advent Season. Maybe invite your grieving child to attend one with you.

5. Make their loved one’s favourite Christmas treat.

Treats aren’t always sugar-laden, but Christmas baking is hard to beat. Sometimes it’s a drive to look at Christmas lights, or Christmas parties.

6. Choose a charity that was close to the loved one and donate to it.
If the child’s loved one died to cancer, perhaps ask the child if they want to work on a cancer charity with you in their loved one’s name. One year, I gathered friends together to volunteer wrapping Christmas gifts for donations for cystic fibrosis. It was great fun and helped out a great cause.

7. Teach the child to do a good deed in their loved one’s name.
My mother had a beautiful fur coat that was too small for me. I kept it, not wanting to part with something so precious to her. It didn’t go anyone any good, so I donated it to a man who turns fur coats into teddy bears. I sent him my mother’s coat with a note. He wrote back to tell me he named one of the bears after my mother. Another year, I donated blood in honour of my mother on her birthday. Good deeds can be small like opening a door for someone or shoveling their walk. Making the world a better place in honour of a loved one is always a great idea.

8. Ask them.
Ask the grieving child if there’s anything special they would like to do to remember their loved one. Perhaps it’s a special movie to watch, a special tradition or food. Maybe it’s an activity they haven’t done since the death. Ask them what kinds of things their loved one did during the holidays that reminds them of their loved one and try to do that. It may be as simple as lighting a candle and praying for the grieving child’s heart.

9. A thoughtful gift
Depending on the age of the child, choosing a fun or thoughtful gift is a great way to acknowledge the holidays may be hard for them. As a child grieving at Christmas, we were spoiled with gifts. It allowed us to take breaks from our grief to play and be a kid again. One special gift I received was a lockable diary to record my private thoughts. It was a great gift for a grieving girl!
Find a way to show that they will always be connected to their loved one.

As always, a reminder: everyone grieves in a unique way. Perhaps your grieving child does not want to talk about their sadness or grief. It’s important to open the channels of communication to let them know it’s normal to feel extra sad during the holidays over someone they loved, who has died. If they don’t want to talk about their loved one just yet, let the subject drop for now.

As adults, our job is to teach and model healthy grief to children. Let them see us cry when we grieve and remember. Have a healthy and honest conversation about grief.